stormy sky штормовое небо

& I pierced it with the rays 🤩
I lit it up 🌞
♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

in relation to
I others
(+mine) (+their)



амбивалентность :
по отношению к
Я другие
(+моя) (+их)



мираж mirage


geometrical impulse as compensation to pale colours?…
also THIS is LIFE =
not always charming outwardly yet worth to discover the inwardly;
to be willing to throw away, to give up what ever is not right for me;
sometimes boring & unsightly & your result is no good – allow it to yourself!;
don’t dwell on it and move on;
you/me don’t have to be perfect and “always on top” to be loved and appreciated! By YOURSELF!

“what u c is what u get (what you see is what you get)” = что ты видишь, это то, что ты получаешь
killing them softly (meaning parasite plant) мягко убивая их (имея в виду растение-паразит)

лучше поздно чем никогда better late than never

начало (моего и да – теперь!) здорового детства 🦋 begginning of (mine & yes – now!) a healthy childhood 🙃

text below the last pic
текст ниже
или вместо даже “заполни страницу этим/одним цветом” 😁
When I took this pencil – today without washing, without doing morning exercises, without coffee – today is the one that I immediately fancied. And not an experiment with those that “did not like = the longest,” or without any other long consideration of choice. And from top to bottom and vice versa, started quickly scribbling in a spiral form (“tornado / tornado”, but not tapering). At this time I sensed and quickly thought that now I understood what it means to “nourish myself” (to cherish, coddle, nurture myself) ❕ This joy of giving yourself freedom just to enjoy the color instead of “draw something” OR even “fill the side with this colour” 😁 and spontaneous scribbling



TEXT BELOW the russian texts
ниже тексты
этап инсайта… “… неопосредованный мышлением акт познания”

the stage of insight… “… the act of knowing that is not mediated by thinking”
I liked to choose such an incomprehensible pencil and find that it gave such a beautiful color.
An idea appeared suddenly at my head, THIS TIME to capture the FIRST (namely THIS) form – that is, the FIRST time to fix and show NOT the final result, but MYSTERY, SECRET, MIRACLE, the immeasurable wealth of CO-CREATION of EMERGENCE and ……. of SOMETHING out of NOT-BEING ❕
This (the time of the hitch above, where there is a multi-pointness, the search for the concept – I sipped coffee and! … lost the “thread”), the “empty space” (in my head) and the search for “thread” and “words” and the continuation found gave me the following understanding:
There is NO “NOT-being”! …
Because if IT gradually materialised, it means THJERE WAS OUT OF WHAT !!!
BUT! There were details, fragments <— and then MY individual ESSENTIAL created my individual, absolutely singular, one-of-a-kind WHOLE ❕ ° ° °

⦿ D O T ⦿


Now this was a NEW experience:
I did it, then contemplated it AND… Heard NO ONE WORD (as usually would the case/the task be). I listened & listened & listened inside me – nope…

○ ○ ○ SILENCE ○ ○ ○

Beautiful & stunning experience of mini-contemplation…
Вот это был НОВЫЙ опыт:
я сделала это, затем посозерцала это И …
не услышала ни ОДНОГО СЛОВА (как обычно бывает / каково обычное задание). Я слушала и слушала и слушала внутри меня – нет … ТИШИНА …

○ ○ ○ БЕЗ-МОЛВ-ИЕ ○ ○ ○

Красивый и потрясающий опыт мини-созерцания

PAINTING OVER my old piece 1 до-/пере-писывая мою давнюю картину

completed piece of ART




совершенно другого сознания,


и ещё, чего не могу назвать/определить

Sensation of



completely different consciousness,


and more, which I cannot name / define

oil, mixed media on canvas
not done yet, in the process


ART vs “digital art”

no comparison, ridiculous (self-deceiting “brave new world”)

I can not hold back & will not hold back any more. Below a copy of somebody’s words & my reply to it:

He: “…digital media… I enjoy the ways that it can bolster (?! me) and add new layers to traditional media too.” ME: This is a self-illusion: digital media are incapable to “add new layers”, they are flat.

Also it is simply not the same as to create, truly create by yourself with your own alive means & material matter, your body/mind/emotions. Imperfections too give such liveliness to a piece of art. Computer has only that many means & already by this is dictating you the narrow boundaries. Also the material piece of art has SUCH a tangible impact that is by no means comparable with the shallow, design-like impression digital pictures produce.


is there any “SELF”?… есть ли какое-то “Я”?..

текст на русском ПОД текстом на английском



the art-therapeutical task was to make a collage (my) LIFE WITH AMAZEMENT. I am very impatient, collages demand a lot of time & patience. Never wanted to do them. Yet decided to expose myself to this task, to experiment with my own (in-?)ability to fulfil the complicated time/patience/concentration/long contempaltion demanding piece. Had no idea what that should be/look like. How can I know?! & that was also an interesting, fear of I-don’t-know-how overcoming challenge. Having been used to create art from my own impression/perception/thought/idea impulses to complete, produce a piece based on the outward task not corresponding-in-the-moment with my inner state was a perplexing news for me. Especially so because of a COLLAGE technique!.. Hmmmm…. All in all it took me I think a couple of WEEKS, JEP! Started by collecting magazins around, surprisingly enough not so easy. Then having just a couple of these I gave up & began – sloooowlyyy – to (NOT AT ONCE! but time after time) tear some pics out that I found SOMEHOW attracting my attention with “JOY” in mind – cause after some thought-contemplation search I decided that “AMAZEMENT” would (for me) be JOY + SURPRISE (+FUNNY+PRETTY) 😍 Then there was this DULL DULL ! 🥵 thing: to sit & stupidly & painstakingly cut out with all those TINY details (JUST NOW while typing a thought flashed through my brain: I COULD (have) SEE(n)/FEEL IT AS an ENJOYMENT, AS A CHANCE TO MEDITATION-IN-DEED!… woooowww…..) While doing that I was coming to a very nervous edge 😬 very trying my capacity to stay longer at the same task without moving &/or occupying my mind by reading & thinking… Do not remember IF I have cut them ALL out at once – guess not. Then there were these several (2? 3? more? less?…) times of (re)-arranging the pieces on this sheet. It demanded from me also the choice of discarding some of these meticulously carved pics 😫 An enriching challenge again. SO the re-arranging part I have also conquered by several starts on different days.. Then I had to glue it all! EXTREEMLY DEMANDING (one eve? two.?.) HAVING COMPLETED stunned looking at the result I heard inside: “ALICE IN WONDERLAND”… When I have it on the wall now I can’t stop being AMAZED AT THE mysteriousness, inscrutability, unknownness, overwhelming riches, childlike-ness of this piece of (surprisingly so) ART representing MY unknown charming inner WORLD, am being deeply (close to tears) touched by it’s looking LIGHT & BEAUTY…. I have to & want to investigate it (‘s meanings), to investigate, get to know, love, appreciate, become friends & closest bonds with this (having been traumatised, neglected, suppressed, violated, rejected, hurt, suffering, lonely) child-in-the-process-of-years, one of (my) galaxies of (my) MICROCOSM…

арт-терапевтическая задача состояла в том, чтобы сделать коллаж (моей) ЖИЗНИ С ИЗУМЛЕНИЕМ. Я очень нетерпелива, коллажи требуют много времени и терпения. Никогда не хотела их делать. И все же решила подвергнуть себя этой задаче, поэкспериментировать со своей (не-?)способностью выполнить сложное времени/терпения/ концентрации/долгого созерцания требующее объекта. Понятия не имела, как это должно быть/выглядеть. Откуда мне знать?! И это тоже было интересно, страх я-не-знаю-как преодолевающий вызов. Будучи привычной к созданию искусства исходя из моих собственных впечатления/восприятия/мысли/идеи импульсов, завершить, произвести произведение исходя из внешней задачей, не соответствующей в данный момент моему внутреннему состоянию, было озадачивающей новостью для меня. Особенно из-за техники коллажа!.. Хммм…. В общем, у меня это заняло, по-моему, пару недель, ага!
Начала со сбора журналов, на удивление не так просто. Потом, имея всего пару другую, я взяла и начала – меееедленнооо – (не сразу! но раз за разом) вырывать некоторые фотографии, которые я находила так или иначе привлекающими мое внимание, с “радостью” в уме – потому что после некоторого поиска мысли-созерцания я решила, что” ИЗУМЛЕНИЕ ” будет (для меня) РАДОСТЬ + СЮРПРИЗ (+ЗАБАВНО+ПРЕЛЕСТНО)
Потом была это ТЯГОМООООТИНАААА ! : сидеть и тупо и кропотливо вырезать все эти крошечные детальки (только что во время набора текста в моем мозгу мелькнула мысль: я могла бы смотреть на/чувствовать это как наслаждение, как возможность медитации-на (самом)-деле!… огооооооо…..) Делая это, я подходила к очень нервному краю, испытывая себя сохранить способность дольше оставаться на одной и той же задаче, не двигаясь и/или не занимая свой ум чтением и мышлением… Не помню, вырезала ли я их всех сразу – думаю, нет. Потом были эти несколько (2? 3? еще? меньше?…) раз (пере) – расположение частей на этом листе. Это потребовало от меня также выбора отбросить некоторые из тех дотошно вырезанных фотографий – снова обогащающий вызов. Так что перестановочную часть я тоже покорила несколькими стартами в разные дни.. А потом мне пришлось все это приклевать! ЧРЕЗВЫЧАЙНО ТРЕБОВАТЕЛЬНО (один вечер? два.?.)
ЗАКОНЧИВ, ошеломленно глядя на результат, я услышала внутри: “АЛИСА В СТРАНЕ ЧУДЕС”… Теперь, когда онО висит у меня на стене, я не могу перестать ИЗУМЛяться таинственности, непостижимости, неизвестности, поражающему богатству, детскости этого произведения (удивительно, но это так) искусства, представляющего мой неизвестный очаровательный внутренний МИР, я глубоко (почти до слез) тронута её глядящими СВЕТОМ и КРАСОТОЙ…. Я нужно и я хочу исследовать её (значения), исследовать, узнать, любить, ценить, стать друзьями и самыми близкими с этой (травмированным, заброшенным, отвергнутым, задавленным, осквернённым, обиженным, страдающим, одиноким) ребенком-в-процессе-лет, одной из (моих) галактик (моего) МИКРОКОСМОСА…

“крылья” “wings”


текст на русском ПОД текстом на английском

At the first moment, the thought: “Now it’s clear why I (almost) did not use this pencil (I don’t like the color). That’s the way it is in life: I have to try/do it in order to know that “ it’s not that ”, instead of not-do and to assume “what if, but if” and later regret that “have not”.
Distracted by the previous entry … Outside the window a clearance appeared in the clouds, the light fell on my sheet, I looked and ..! .. “Wow+ Why, it’s so beautiful! “
Wow! And the more I look, the more I like it, I won’t blur it with water-with a brush as usual (watercolor pencil), I will leave it like that.
It’s only a pity that it’s not in the middle of the sheet!
I watched. I saw with my inner eyes the continuation / addition of cold pink (the outlines of an abstracted “angel”). I was very drawn to do this. The feeling of incompleteness, disharmony is unbearable … In my head I tried to place pink, lines on the sheet – and more and more I felt a sense of dissonance, non-symmetry, incorrect location (on/in) – use of space (sheet)! Oh! This raw-nerve physical sensation in the middle of the chest, emanating in the hands, and in the head! …
And suddenly decided! Do not change anything. Do not add. Leave as is.


(It is beautiful enough. In its transparent sublimity. Against a white background. And that’s it.
It’s only a pity that it’s not in the middle of the sheet! ! ! 😬 In width! By height is almost in place . . . )

The clarity, the joyfulness of light faded, disappeared.
And beauty has disappeared again! . . .
Light, lighting changes our sensation of life! . . . 😯

unshapely picture and discoveries in inner microcosm

бесформенная картинка и открытия во внутреннем микрокосмосе

“acceptance” vs acknowledgement.?. “принятие” vs. признание (факта/наличия)

текст на русском ПОД текстом на английском

bad weather (verbally =”non-weather” in russian !
(текст на русском смотри ПОД английскими текстами)

the middle part surrounded by violet is grey with a touch of greenish under a particular lighting – this one was changing outside & through the big winow was surprising me by changing the hue 😲

I studied the result of this experiment with “unattractive” colours / pencils for a long time.
Having some quandary while trying to hear in my head the WORD for this.After all, my choice was NOT by the principle of attraction / sympathy (mine to color), but again by the principle of “I will try those colours / pencils that I hardly used.”
Although, by the way, NOW came to mind – and HERE I made a choice.
Flashed in my head, no – rather slowly, strainedly appeared, words, few, and trying to make up the description pairs. 1 word was hard to choose.
Stopped at (“reality, non-reality”.?.) “bad weather” (“non-weather” verbally in russian).
This search, and 2 words in brackets, led to stumbling thoughts. After all, this was, and is, invented by me, with the help of “keeking,” the purpose of this morning contemplative lesson:
give way to knowing of a speck of myself through the drawing-induced process of mental awareness.
1 – the application of colour to the sheet (including the process of deciding where, how, in what direction, in what and how on the sheet space combination), unexpectedly and miraculously creating a free (from thoughts) state in the head
2 – “search” for a word. The process is also contemplative (and at the same time already directed, having an internal intention!); the process of “hanging” = absorption of the image through the eyes + a sensitive sensation of my internal responses; and the admition of the formation of the word in the head; and doubt, a repetition of all of the above in 2; and finally (sometimes forced because of the inability to stop in search, dissatisfaction with the “heard” word, look-further – but you have to stop, make up your mind) CHOICE.
That is, you need to make a choice! Wow! after all, in life one often wonders what to do; hesitate; one thinks over and imagines different options and consequences, but one can hesitate endlessly!

So we have to stop and just choose something! We will never 100% know what the consequences will be! Life is unpredictable – well, sometimes Yes, and on …%.
We must make a choice and see what happens!
Wooooow! ⭕️⭕️⭕️ profound ⭕️⭕️⭕️)
3 – before I started recording, there was that thought “flow”: from “un-reality” came “acceptance”. I began to think/question about her. “Acceptance” is the allowance and acknowledgement that what is is. in another person, in life. In yourself?!
So. It is so. What am I doing with it now? Doing something? Just leaving? Am I learning to handle it (in a different way, or & in general).?.
Then I asked: “is it true that I ALWAYS have to “accept”? And I don’t agree! So I don’t accept! “This”!” Hmmmmm… If I do not agree – then I do not accept…
I imagined it as a feeling of an abstract situation. Only a feeling, a given: “I do not accept, because I do not agree.”.. Something’s stubling over here.
And then it began to clear up: they are piling together the concepts of “accept” and “acknowledge”.
I ACKNOWLEDGE the EXISTENCE of some reality as such: this (something) is reality and it (such!) is. THEN I am already faced with the choice described above: what do I do with it now, and do I do anything at all?..
Yet do I “accept” something that is real, and that I NO WAY CAN change (even if only for myself) even if I don’t agree ?!
That is it! NOT “accept” is the first step, but “ACKNOWLEDGE” the existence! “Look into the eyes of (and your own!) dragon”, do not close your eyes, do not bury your (ostrich’s) head in the sand, and do not deny what is – having seen that.
And then I will either have to “accept” it, or I’m looking for the next steps! And commit them (ideally 😊)
NOW I understand why I always stumbled on this “accept”! Felt some kind of wrongness, or understatement.
ONE’S OWN truth. The truth of ONE’S OWN life.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . wo o o ow . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
SO here such an ugly picture can lead to such an awesome thought process of cognition. . . hoo. . . This is again a discovery for me. You just have to – haha – give yourself time and allow yourself to immerse . . .
it is an indescribable pleasure.
and internal enrichment❣️ t.
the inner, “micro”, the cosmos turns out to be such and is: the COSMOS

(meaning the “heart” signs are having “smiley face” inside)

после “даже если не согласна” – имеется в виду “! и ?” знаки !



текст на русском ПОД текстом на английском

different pics of the same so that distortion of the colours will be more comprehensible. in REAL they are again different, more subtle, less vibrant than the digital ones – deeper, more tangible, more telling & effectual onto psyche.

I use water-colour pencils, meaning they are used as pencil & then is possible to brush them with water.
the original colour is chocolate-brown here. I decided for a while to use a pencil/colour that I rarely use – recognisable by their length. surprisingly this colour was surprisingly pleasant. the bluish-green is also somewhat different in real/material.
the brown after wet brushing became depressing somewhat, pulling me in while I was listening inside my head for a “one word” (that was the original task: take 1 colour, fill in the page, give 1 word – so I with time began to change filling in a half-page CAUSE IT IS large & ADDING SOME MORE colour, & THEN 1 WORD, THEN “FREE FLOW of consciousness”…)…
I contemplated a bit, took another LONG pencil (remember the meaning of length here? = not having been used) & so these lovelies appeared here!
I SEARCHED FOR A WORD AGAIN – LISTENING INSIDE ME/to my head – & the word appeared verbalising what these sprouting cones are doing to the sucking-in brown = rescuing

разные фотки одной картинки, так что искажение цветов будет более понятным. в материальной РЕАЛЬНОСТИ они снова другие, более тонкие, менее яркие, чем цифровые – более глубокие, более ощутимые, более выразительные и эффективные для психики.
Я использую акварельные карандаши, это означает, что они используются как карандаши, и тогда можно размазать их водой.
Оригинальный цвет шоколадно-коричневый здесь. Я решила на какое-то время использовать карандаш / цвет, который редко использую – узнаваемые по их длине. на удивление этот цвет оказался на удивление приятным. голубовато-зеленый также немного отличается в реальном / материальном.
коричневый цвет после мокрого растекания стал немного угнетать, затягивая меня, пока я слушала в своей голове «одно слово» (это было первоначальное задание: взять 1 цвет, заполнить страницу, дать 1 слово – а я со временем начала изменять, заполненять на полстраницы, потому что она БОЛЬШАЯ, И ДОБАВЛЯТЬ НЕСКОЛЬКО БОЛЬШЕ цвета, И ТОГДА 1 СЛОВО, ПОТОМ “СВОБОДНЫЙ ПОТОК Сознания” …) …
Я немного посозерцала, взяла еще один длинный карандаш (помните значение длины здесь? = Не был использован), и вот эти красотки появились здесь!
Я снова искала слово – слушая внутри меня / мою голову – и слово появилось вербализируя, что эти прорастающие конусы делают с засасывающим коричневым = спасают
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